Anxiety

About two weeks ago, I started experiencing anxious feelings. I felt afraid at the thought of doing things that meant going out and being seen by people. These feelings are not new guests.

I’ve learned in the past that I need to be careful when differentiating between feelings and diagnoses; we shouldn’t self-diagnose because it’s similar to throwing sensitive words around, which can cause harm. Throughout this piece, I will refer to feeling anxious instead of saying "my anxiety," as I was never diagnosed. Now let’s immerse ourselves into the text.

I felt anxious a lot when I was in high school. Bona letsoalo ne le iketsetsa honna mona—out of nowhere, I was always arrested by fear. I never really told anyone or sought to understand the root cause. This was my life for years, and I continued to university with this uninvited stranger, whom I eventually became familiar with.

Can I tell you I was both full of life, confident in my abilities, excited for the future, and fearful? I need someone to explain how the heck that works. Does it happen? Has it happened to you? How are you making sense of it?

In high school, we had a geography teacher whom we all called "Mother." I was strictly in the commerce stream, so she didn’t teach me. You can already tell the type of teacher and person she was based on the fact that all the learners at the school referred to her as "Mother." I don’t think I had a relationship with Jesus when I was in high school, but I was perhaps religious. My knowledge and focus were simple: you do right, you go to heaven; you do wrong, you go to hell. I was still young, and this was my understanding, as it was highlighted the most.

Mrs. Kele, or Mother, was responsible for sharing the word in every assembly. I remember her reading to us, “I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength” (Philippians 4:13). Chile, she broke it down in a way that made it impossible to stay in dreamland. She provided further guidance on how we should meditate on the word and pray during the day, when we go to bed, and before we left for school each morning.

It was so interesting for me because, for the first time, someone made reading the Bible simple and original, personalizing it to my own life. I then tested the teachings by meditating on the verse, repeating it to myself, and praying at random times.

Listen, it gets more interesting; please don’t laugh at me about what I’m going to say next. You see, the Lord’s Prayer in Matthew 6—Mother made matters worse for me by telling us to pray it with intention because “our Father in heaven” is our Father, and we should receive Him as such.

First of all, my biological father stopped showing interest in my life when my parents divorced, and I was five. A decade later, I’m told to feel free saying the word “Father” to someone I don’t see. I felt like a fraud; it gave me anxious feelings because I overthought it. I mean, this word was foreign to me. I didn’t remember the last time I said it, or if I ever really said it and meant it before. Lol, don’t blame me—my memory of a father had been erased as a way to cope with life without him. The man didn’t want anything to do with us.

So, I didn’t feel I deserved to say the first line of the Lord’s Prayer. Over the years, I got better at it, and my relationship with Jesus grew beautifully in university as I dedicated most of my time to reading the word and inviting Him into everything.

The anxious feelings left, and I wasn’t even mindful of when I stopped being crippled by fear and started to actually live. But this transformation happened around the time I spent my days with God.

Back to two weeks ago

I recently had a conversation with three of my friends about how I’ve been feeling fear about living. To one, I said, “I don’t know how to show up when I struggle.” I’m glad I had the language this time. I could identify what the root cause is.

These feelings were no different in intensity from those I felt in high school and in the first two years of university. Fear arrested me still. The difference this time is that I am still confident in my abilities, but I am also more secure in my path. I am more settled emotionally and mentally.

As they recently appeared I had God, my Father, confront me about these feelings, giving me insight into them, and the Holy Spirit guided me on how to manage where I am now, through verses, of course. Verses in the Bible reveal the truth about who you and I are meant to be and how to live. They are the guidebook on what to do when challenges arise.

The Holy Spirit prides Himself on giving us revelations and insight into the words we read in the Bible. You know how we understand each other better through relationships, intent, and dedicated time? That’s how we grow in understanding of God, ourselves, and life, and, importantly, how to respond to situations.

I have been doing breathing exercises, reading my Bible, praying, and recalling Scriptures. This helps to center me and prevents the pressure from getting to my head much.  And baby… I am being brought to centre and I love it here.

Yours sincerely,

MJ 🧡