God is good regardless

 A difficult time is when you find yourself in the middle of nowhere. Lost , instantly when you were certain you are following the right roadmap and certain about getting ahead. I mean , there’s no way you can get lost when you have direction and a plan. Also, you prayed before embarking on a journey, you keep on praying on the way. You are okay so far, got used to the way even though your body feels weird. You feel different and the journey is certainly getting difficult.  You keep on with a slowed pace.

I have been living with rheumatoid arthritis from when I was 13. It robbed me of my teenage years. I remember how I battled in class to pay attention to what the teacher was saying because my sore body demanded my full attention. Nonetheless, I forced myself. Affirming myself simultaneously dealing with death thoughts, a rather complicated experience. I made it because I was determined to leave high school with a matric certificate. I remember sitting outside during break, watching my peers play umgusha and envying every jump they made. Ohh RA, you really robbed me of my youth. I worked hard at school because I had to be great at something, life was troublesome enough. Thank God I made it, I even went to university to study education because I wanted to be just like my economics teacher Mrs Kele who left no child behind. 🥰

Once I started working my health somehow got much better. High school and university was really hell, I don’t know how am still here after all that I went through. To God be the glory. My joints are extremely painful now, the hip is worse, medication is not working. I thought I was fine, life finally making sense only for my health to deteriorate. I haven’t been myself since I heard the news on the 4th of June 2024 that the only solution is to do a total hip replacement. My body is painful, I will be getting back to work next Tuesday, the 9th of July and I feel lost. I have the roadmap, am on a mission, I have directions but nothing makes sense. Am off rituxan because the last dose I took “was contaminated” , steroids are damaging my joints and the pills I take make me drowsy. It doesn’t look like the map that got me here is good enough to have me continue with my journey. I need to continue with life and my passion and my duties but I don’t know how to. I feel less equipped. Actually I don’t think I can do this with this body. I wish I was strong and healthy like people my age. 

Sometimes I wonder if God heard my last prayer. Hope keeps me longing for a miracle from God. Days are not the same. Some days I cry like a baby , yesterday I was a prayer warrior today I am somewhere in between. God is great regardless!

I ordered a crutch which should carry me until I go for the operation. I limp/ wobble when I walk and that’s greatly uncomfortable and not good for my bones on the hip. I have prayed for years for my health. I am still praying and believing God for a miracle. I am scared about the demands of life on my side, considering that I feel lost.